These 4 walls

I'm trapped inside my own four walls
I've built it brick by brick
I've built it day by day
I've built it year by year
The only problem with my four walls
I left my mind outside when I built them

I don't let anyone inside my four walls
There isn't any room
So no one knows what's inside my four walls
I know, my heart and lot's of drawers
The drawers are full to overflowing
My heart is breaking

I'm not alone inside my four walls
I live with doubt, fear and disappointment
Doubt never seems to want to go away
And fear is always lurking
I feel like I am a constant disappointment
I feel crowded inside my four walls

I thought I would be safe inside my four walls
But now the bricks are starting crumble
I can't put them back up quick enough
There are hands reaching inside my four walls
Groping around to see what's inside
I'm up against the wall, holding onto doubt, fear and disappointment

Will I ever be able to let anyone inside
It took so long to build my four walls
The bricks I used were chosen one by one
Bricks that were issued to me
Bricks that I chose to make
Put together with the cement of life

I don't think anyone understands the design
I guess it's an eye sore when you're on the outside
Inside some drawers are closed tight, some sealed tight
It seems so much easier to be inside my four walls
I'm afraid to go from the dark into the light
For if I do that my heart will have to meet my mind

Author Unknown

Since you've been gone

Who would of thought this time a year ago, our family would be plunged into a event, so tragic that it would change all our lives forever. Gag has been gone a year today and I still miss him today more than ever.

More than ever, I wish that as a family we didn't have to walk this road but I've come to realise, that our lives are a story, being written by the great Author of Life, and therefore I have to trust Him, getting comfort from knowing that He is in control.

I've learnt so many things since Gag died. Family is invaluable. Love them, appreciate every moment with them, as you NEVER know what time you have together. Learn to appreciate the small things in life and don't sweat the small things in life. More than ever, I try and love all the men in my life for who they are and not who I want them to be. Life is too short for grumbling and feeling hard done by. It's time to count your blessings now.

Gag left a legacy. He was compassionate, generous, always accepted everyone for who they were and lived life to the full. He certainly made the most of each of his living days.

Mom, Dad, Wayne, Lee, Jordan & Joshua - I so wish I could ease your pain today, but let's celebrate Gag's life today, knowing that our lives are all the richer because we had the privilege of sharing his with him and through Jordan and Joshua his legacy will live on.

Where do mother's go to resign?

It's been over a year since I last blogged so you may ask why now? Well, I've got a lot I need to get off my chest (and no I don't mean my bosoms!), and nobody to talk to! Well, not really a case of no one to talk to but rather a case of I can't tell anyone about it.

The funny thing is, is that I can't even use this opportunity to put down in writing what's eating me. So what's the point I ask myself? I'm not sure, I just feel an immense need to write.

At the moment, as a mother I feel like a failure. I know in my head that I shouldn't feel guilty for the bad choices my children have made, but my heart is bleeding. I can't help wondering what it is I could have done different. I can't help wondering where it was that I let things go wrong. I've reflected over and over my parenting style, which I thought was best, only to know now that it wasn't. I so wish I could press the 're-wind' button and go back to try and do things differently, be more aware of what was going on. Mind you the 'fast-forward' button at this point might not be so bad either!

Over the years I've seen other parents go through difficulties with their kids and smugly thought to myself that they haven't disciplined their kids properly, they haven't been consistent with them etc etc etc, which is why they are now having issues. Surprise, surprise, I have landed back on earth with a bump!!!! I did all those things yet arguably, what my kids have been up to is worse than all the kids of the other parents I know put together. The worst part is not being able to speak to other parents who have gone through what we are going through. I guess it makes things a bit easier when you know others have experienced what you are experiencing. In the past I have always been so proud when people have said to me you have such lovely boys, you have done such a good job with them. Now I just cringe if anyone says that and think to myself 'if only they knew'.

Why do I have to go through this? Right now I'm not sure. One thing I am sure of however, is that I have a HUGE lesson to learn in being dependant on my Saviour. It's so easy to try and solve everything in your own strength and time. It's so hard to lean on God and let him sort it out in his time. I know He has already done an amzing healing work in my life but we are still hitting the bumps in the road. We've just hit another bump and wondering to myself 'how many more'?

I can only hope in time, when we have traversed this long and difficult road, that I will be a better person for it. I pray that I will enable my Saviour to fulfill everything he needs to with my life.