In loving memory of my Daddy - Ken McMaster : 4 July 1934 - 4 November 2009

A tribute to my Dad

Dad, you came into my life when I was 7 and quickly filled the role of Daddy in my life. You unselfishly and willingly took me under your wing, loving me and raising me as if I were your own. I was privileged to share so many of my firsts with you. You were the first to teach me how to ride a bicycle and a motorbike. You were the first one to teach me how to fly a kite and change a wall plug. You were the only one who had the guts and was calm enough to first teach me how to drive.

I don’t have any memories of you ever being really angry with me, even when I tormented and accidentally let some of your pet birds go. When Mom was on the warpath, you were quick to get me out the way and often, I was spared from getting a hiding, even though I deserved one.

I have many fond memories of you. Most of these memories involve the restoration of many VW Beetles, having wild birds as pets and nursing sick fish in the tank. I believe that you will also be the only man in history, who, whilst towing a broken down vehicle, got overtaken by the vehicle being towed. I will never forget the look of shock and horror on your face when I waved at you as Mom and I overtook you, moments before the tow rope forced your car up someone’s driveway.

I will always remember you as a man who got things done. When something was broken you were sure to be the one to fix it. You were always willing to help and nothing was ever too much trouble for you. Dependability, gentleness and kindness were your strengths. You were a true gentlemen. Laziness was definitely not a word in your vocabulary, especially at 6:00am on a Saturday morning when there were piles of dog poo to be picked up.

I’m going to miss you so much. I am privileged to have had you as a Dad. If I were to start my life over, and God gave me the choice, I would, without any doubt, choose you to be my Dad.

Gag, it's two years today that you've been gone, but still there is a void and pain in the space that you once filled. Two years seems like such a long time but it only feels like yesterday that we were flying with you. I miss your smile and your adventurous spirit. They said as time went on the pain of your passing would ease, but they lied. The pain of having to carry on as family with a crucial part missing, is painful. You left such a big footprint behind in our lives and everything we do always makes us remember something of you.

Gag you may not be here but you are forever in our hearts. We miss you.

These 4 walls

I'm trapped inside my own four walls
I've built it brick by brick
I've built it day by day
I've built it year by year
The only problem with my four walls
I left my mind outside when I built them

I don't let anyone inside my four walls
There isn't any room
So no one knows what's inside my four walls
I know, my heart and lot's of drawers
The drawers are full to overflowing
My heart is breaking

I'm not alone inside my four walls
I live with doubt, fear and disappointment
Doubt never seems to want to go away
And fear is always lurking
I feel like I am a constant disappointment
I feel crowded inside my four walls

I thought I would be safe inside my four walls
But now the bricks are starting crumble
I can't put them back up quick enough
There are hands reaching inside my four walls
Groping around to see what's inside
I'm up against the wall, holding onto doubt, fear and disappointment

Will I ever be able to let anyone inside
It took so long to build my four walls
The bricks I used were chosen one by one
Bricks that were issued to me
Bricks that I chose to make
Put together with the cement of life

I don't think anyone understands the design
I guess it's an eye sore when you're on the outside
Inside some drawers are closed tight, some sealed tight
It seems so much easier to be inside my four walls
I'm afraid to go from the dark into the light
For if I do that my heart will have to meet my mind

Author Unknown

Since you've been gone

Who would of thought this time a year ago, our family would be plunged into a event, so tragic that it would change all our lives forever. Gag has been gone a year today and I still miss him today more than ever.

More than ever, I wish that as a family we didn't have to walk this road but I've come to realise, that our lives are a story, being written by the great Author of Life, and therefore I have to trust Him, getting comfort from knowing that He is in control.

I've learnt so many things since Gag died. Family is invaluable. Love them, appreciate every moment with them, as you NEVER know what time you have together. Learn to appreciate the small things in life and don't sweat the small things in life. More than ever, I try and love all the men in my life for who they are and not who I want them to be. Life is too short for grumbling and feeling hard done by. It's time to count your blessings now.

Gag left a legacy. He was compassionate, generous, always accepted everyone for who they were and lived life to the full. He certainly made the most of each of his living days.

Mom, Dad, Wayne, Lee, Jordan & Joshua - I so wish I could ease your pain today, but let's celebrate Gag's life today, knowing that our lives are all the richer because we had the privilege of sharing his with him and through Jordan and Joshua his legacy will live on.

Where do mother's go to resign?

It's been over a year since I last blogged so you may ask why now? Well, I've got a lot I need to get off my chest (and no I don't mean my bosoms!), and nobody to talk to! Well, not really a case of no one to talk to but rather a case of I can't tell anyone about it.

The funny thing is, is that I can't even use this opportunity to put down in writing what's eating me. So what's the point I ask myself? I'm not sure, I just feel an immense need to write.

At the moment, as a mother I feel like a failure. I know in my head that I shouldn't feel guilty for the bad choices my children have made, but my heart is bleeding. I can't help wondering what it is I could have done different. I can't help wondering where it was that I let things go wrong. I've reflected over and over my parenting style, which I thought was best, only to know now that it wasn't. I so wish I could press the 're-wind' button and go back to try and do things differently, be more aware of what was going on. Mind you the 'fast-forward' button at this point might not be so bad either!

Over the years I've seen other parents go through difficulties with their kids and smugly thought to myself that they haven't disciplined their kids properly, they haven't been consistent with them etc etc etc, which is why they are now having issues. Surprise, surprise, I have landed back on earth with a bump!!!! I did all those things yet arguably, what my kids have been up to is worse than all the kids of the other parents I know put together. The worst part is not being able to speak to other parents who have gone through what we are going through. I guess it makes things a bit easier when you know others have experienced what you are experiencing. In the past I have always been so proud when people have said to me you have such lovely boys, you have done such a good job with them. Now I just cringe if anyone says that and think to myself 'if only they knew'.

Why do I have to go through this? Right now I'm not sure. One thing I am sure of however, is that I have a HUGE lesson to learn in being dependant on my Saviour. It's so easy to try and solve everything in your own strength and time. It's so hard to lean on God and let him sort it out in his time. I know He has already done an amzing healing work in my life but we are still hitting the bumps in the road. We've just hit another bump and wondering to myself 'how many more'?

I can only hope in time, when we have traversed this long and difficult road, that I will be a better person for it. I pray that I will enable my Saviour to fulfill everything he needs to with my life.

The week that's past....

Phew, it's Friday and another week has passed. I know we shouldn't wish our lives away but I do enjoy it when the week is over and the weekend lays ahead.

On the work front for me, month end is over, yet again, for the 5th time this year and only 7 more to go. On the downside, the company is going to be audited again from Monday, which is really yuck, yuck, yuck! It's always so much fun teaching a bunch of degreed auditors, who think they know everything, except they know jack and then insist on arguing that what you've done is wrong. Oh well, I guess that's life at the bottom of the food chain.

Justin and Daniel have had a relatively quiet week thank goodness. With end of term approaching and reports which need to be out next week, all the tests, orals, newspaper articles etc. have pretty much come to an end. It's so nice that they actually have a little time to relax now.

Reece got his report today. Academically he's doing well, but lot's of comments about talking too much, not listenening to instructions, not following instructions, doesn't work well in a group, shouts when no one agrees with his ideas and then refuses to do anything in the group if they don't do it his way. I think we've just identified the next potential presidential candidate for one of our neighbouring countries! Seriously though, we've had to have a good chat with Reece as he is truly such a talented young fellow and is going to have to work hard to improve on his social skills.

Jz was sick yesterday and the school phoned to say I should fetch him. He complained of a very sore head and even driving along the Annandale Rd (a very bumpy stretch of road), he asked me to slow down as his head was too sore. After a dose of Nurofen he felt much better. The doc said it's sinusitis, just keep treating him with nose drops and nebulizing him and hopefully he'll recover without an antibiotic. He stayed home today and think tonight his eyes are positively square. He watched so much Tom & Jerry that eventually he switched it off he was so tired of it.

Wayne seems to be fine. He uses up all his words at work so I'm never really sure whats going on in his work life. He does give a couple of clues, like if he is programming he becomes quite distant, if he is struggling with stuff he is pensive and if he is bored he skypes me a lot. Well, he's a mystery man this week as he was none of those.

Our motorbikes are gathering dust in the garage. We are fair weather riders and considering the weather is all but that at the moment I guess the dust is going to get a loth thicker before we do ride them again.

Three more weeks until we fly to Jhb, can't wait.

For better and worse!

What has happened to the institution of marriage? Call me old fashioned, call me narrow minded, call me whatever you like, but why is it that people can't stay married these days? I come from a broken home and have always had quite a cynical outlook on marriage. However, having been married for 14 years I've realised that you can stay married.

I'm definitely not bragging and am the first to tell anyone that marriage is definitely not a bed of roses, but it is doable! More than that, it is also enjoyable. Once you stop thinking about yourself and rather focus on others, it becomes workable. I suppose it's because we live in an instant society, where everyone wants instant results and satisfaction and are all wrapped up in their own selfish desires. Why else don't they stay married? Why else are they involved with the guy/gal from the office next door, yet they are married. It's obviously easier to get the instant satisfaction being sought from a third party, than to go home and try and work out each others needs with your spouse.

I also feel especially sad when there are kids involved. Children will always live with the effects of divorce, no matter how young they were when it happened or how much counselling they receive. It's true that children are survivors, but ask me and I'll be the first to tell you the ramifications of growing up in a single parent home. Again it all boils down to selfishness!

Why is it that people always think the grass is greener on the other side anyway? It never is! Rather the devil you know than the one you don't, I say. It takes years to understand each other in a marriage, years to figure out you won't be able to change your partner and years to work out all the conflicting issues. Someone once told Wayne and I that the first 20 years of marriage are the worst and I tend to agree. I'm sure by that time, you've worked through all the issues and you can really enjoy just being with other. If you keep flitting from one to another, how on earth will you ever reach that satisfaction? Marriage is hard, no one ever said it wasn't, however, it is possible and worth hanging in for.

Then you have the folk who just get married because it's the next logical step in the relationship. For goodness sake, what happened to love and value's? Next thing you hear they are divorced after a couple of months and they both claim that they have already moved on. Moved on where, to the next unsuspecting partner?

Families form the basis of our world, that is the way God intended it and at the rate we are going, breaking up the family unit is only going to lead to more heartache and plenty of unfulfilled lives.