Where do mother's go to resign?

It's been over a year since I last blogged so you may ask why now? Well, I've got a lot I need to get off my chest (and no I don't mean my bosoms!), and nobody to talk to! Well, not really a case of no one to talk to but rather a case of I can't tell anyone about it.

The funny thing is, is that I can't even use this opportunity to put down in writing what's eating me. So what's the point I ask myself? I'm not sure, I just feel an immense need to write.

At the moment, as a mother I feel like a failure. I know in my head that I shouldn't feel guilty for the bad choices my children have made, but my heart is bleeding. I can't help wondering what it is I could have done different. I can't help wondering where it was that I let things go wrong. I've reflected over and over my parenting style, which I thought was best, only to know now that it wasn't. I so wish I could press the 're-wind' button and go back to try and do things differently, be more aware of what was going on. Mind you the 'fast-forward' button at this point might not be so bad either!

Over the years I've seen other parents go through difficulties with their kids and smugly thought to myself that they haven't disciplined their kids properly, they haven't been consistent with them etc etc etc, which is why they are now having issues. Surprise, surprise, I have landed back on earth with a bump!!!! I did all those things yet arguably, what my kids have been up to is worse than all the kids of the other parents I know put together. The worst part is not being able to speak to other parents who have gone through what we are going through. I guess it makes things a bit easier when you know others have experienced what you are experiencing. In the past I have always been so proud when people have said to me you have such lovely boys, you have done such a good job with them. Now I just cringe if anyone says that and think to myself 'if only they knew'.

Why do I have to go through this? Right now I'm not sure. One thing I am sure of however, is that I have a HUGE lesson to learn in being dependant on my Saviour. It's so easy to try and solve everything in your own strength and time. It's so hard to lean on God and let him sort it out in his time. I know He has already done an amzing healing work in my life but we are still hitting the bumps in the road. We've just hit another bump and wondering to myself 'how many more'?

I can only hope in time, when we have traversed this long and difficult road, that I will be a better person for it. I pray that I will enable my Saviour to fulfill everything he needs to with my life.